Oh boy it's that time of the year again. I just got done writing up how bullshit Middle Earth: Shadow of War was and now it's time to get into the games that are actually not shit. And there's quite a few of them. 2017 was fucking awesome.

Resident Evil 7

Jack Baker, welcoming us into his family for a solid year running. Thanks Jack. We could all use a little help sometimes.

 Because apparently I'm the only one who remembers Resident Evil 7 at the end of the year. I'm not sure why the damn thing is getting passed over or otherwise not mentioned at all, but Capcom was on the fast track to dogshit(Some would say they were already there, and I would agree, personally) and everything was looking really bad for them for a while. They just kept making shitty games and not doing anything about it. Eventually they got around to releasing Resident Evil: Revelations 2 which was an interesting concept, though not unique. It still earned a place in my heart because the game itself had heart, and that makes up for a lot of jank.


Speaking of jank, RE7 put the series back on the map with a cocksure attitude for classic survival horror with a new spin on the almost 20 year old franchise by showing us the series through fresh eyes, letting us creep back down into the feeling of vulnerability and not, you know, punching boulders. ALTHOUGH, I have not played the DLC because by all accounts it's not very good, but the boulder punching does return, apparently.

I have faulted Capcom for a long long. So long I'm actually choosing to talk about them more than the game I'm summarizing my love for right now. But, to cut it short, I'm a scared bitch and can't stand horror, so I thought my chances with this game was limited. But it was just so damn good that I couldn't put it down and fell in love with it. Didn't play it in VR because I don't want to fucking heart attack to death, but by all accounts the "base game" experience was good enough for me. Love ya', RE7. Sorry about your cunt brother, RE6 though.

Persona 5

She uses a revolver and rides a motorcycle and doesn't afraid of anything.

I've never played a Persona game before. Saw most of a let's play of 4 once upon a time and I was sorta way into that, but I just never stumbled into playing a Persona of my own. That all changed with Persona 5 and I was able to get my hands on it and immerse myself in the insanity that is held within.

It was a very fascinating game. The story explores some interesting and exciting concepts, and doesn't shy away from dark subject matter. The soundtrack is pretty fucking sick and kept me hooked the entire way through. Not a bad song on that entire thing. The Persona fusion mechanic kept me capturing Persona wherever I could in hopes of fusing some fucking awesome shit.

And then there's my waifu, Makoto Niijima. Who I can't actually post images of here because it looks like a lot of the porno. And also I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post images of Persona 5 or Atlus will come to my fucking house and murder me.

Ultimately, it's kinda funny actually, it seems like I don't have a lot to say on Persona 5. It's hard to put into words but it's just an overall great game and was a fucking blast to play through. It was my first experience with a Persona game and it was incredible from start to finish.

Nioh

Still a beautiful game after all this time.

A perfect storm of everything I've ever wanted but didn't quite know I wanted it. Dark Souls, Diablo, Onimusha, Tenchu, all wrapped up into one complete bundle that proves you don't have to reinvent the wheel to have a fucking 100 hour long masterpiece on your hands.

One of the things that made me fall in love with the game was the reliance on native Japanese voice actors alongside an English speaking protagonist. I've always loved seeing things like this and I love the idea that, well, these people don't speak English, that's just the hard truth. So if they would have spoken English it would have ruined the illusion of this fish out of water with the character of William. Likewise him speaking Japanese would have done the same.

I loved the customization abilities in how you not just spec your character, but what abilities to choose, what weapons to focus on, what spirit animal to take with you, etc etc. It gives you enough to do with it what you will so you can create an intensely personalized character, but, oh yeah, that's not even the half of it. It's a LOOT GAME also. So the loot you find can also enhance your character and make their build more than just a loose concept. And if that's not good enough, the fashion in this game is impeccable. AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH, you can, as the children say, "fashion souls it up" because you can change the appearance of one piece of armor to look like that of another, so if you have a really awesome chest piece that looks sick, but it doesn't have the stats you are interested in, you can eventually put that shit on another piece of armor all together to make it look awesome.

Oh yeah, and before I forget, the ending of the game was probably way better than it had any right to be. I know that sounds maybe a little insulting, but you gotta see it for yourself to understand it. It goes from "I bet we fight another fucking boss" to "WHOA THAT SHIT JUST GOT TURNT UP TO 11" and, boy howdy, it really does. I fell in love with this game the very first time I played it and I know anyone else would as well if they just gave it a chance.

Yakuza 0

Family. Against the odds.

I guess you could say Yakuza was a franchise that I had 0 interest in ever playing. Heh. Heuh. Huhhuh. Get it? GET THE JOKE? Well moving on. I had played Yakuza 3 at one point after being told it was the most fucking incredible fighting game to ever exist, and so I was like aw fuck yeah son sign me up. But unfortunately I wasn't in the state of mind to truly appreciate that game and was severely put off by the orphanage section of the story where Kiryu raises several children who live at an orphanage he owns. From what I remember, and this was a while ago, it was a pretty big focus on the story for a while and I never made it past that. So I always had an idea in my head that the franchise was like that as a whole and never had any interest in playing beyond that.

I got Yakuza 0, on the other hand, because I saw the game being played on the internet and people were speaking so highly of it I just knew there had to be something special about this game. So I was bored one day and decided to get it and fucking hell oh boy. It was love at first sight. I could not believe the sheer amount of personality and charm that they crammed into every single pixel in that game. The world, the characters, the story, the side quests, the minigames. You can fucking build your own tiny racing car and spend 30 hours just practicing and getting better equipment. You could spend 30 hours buying and managing real estate, or managing a cabaret club which requires a ton of fucking effort but is super awesome in the end.

I mean, it's so hard to pick one thing in particular about this game that makes it so special. The story was all kinds of incredible as you play through the dual protagonists of Kazuma Kiryu and Goro Majima. The differing paths these two take as they both get embroiled into some larger scheme that neither of them can see the end of, and as a result get taken on a wild ride that tests their loyalty and commitment to those the closest to them. It's fucking epic. I think about this game from time to time and just, I don't know... appreciate it? Sounds a bit silly, maybe, but the game was just everything I could have ever wanted. I was an instant fan of the Yakuza franchise and I desperately hope the rest of the games are remastered ala Kiwami and Kiwami 2, so I can go back in and play them at their best.

Nier Automata - GOTY

I meeeeeeeeeean...

This game is like the fucking mecca. I can't even put it into words how much I loved this game and how well it resonated with me. Yoko Taro is a goddamn motherfucking genius who managed to really encapsulate why video gaming can be the best medium to tell a story the world has ever seen. In so many other games, in just about every other game, as a matter of fact. Nier: Automata is using the medium of video games to tell a story that only it really can. It utilizes just about every aspect of what it is to really drive home the intense emotional messages within the game.

Now I'll be the first to admit if I actually had to explain what those messages were, I'd be fucking stumped. Because I'm an idiot. But the game had this impact on me. It took the emotional war that rages on inside myself where I'm just fucking unhappy and miserable and it turned that into a video game. I got to acknowledge inner turmoil in an organic way. The way characters speak, their reactions, the way they do things, the soundtrack, the emotional climaxes that are peppered out through the game come together in this creeping resonance that strikes a chord through my entire body.

I've seen this. I've felt this before. This sense of hopelessness and dread. A weariness that drives into the pit of your being, but playable.

It's an emotional story from start to finish. It kept me hanging onto the edge of my seat, and playing further, beyond the endings and seeing how the game changes, and how it keeps going in ways that really only a video game could, was incredible. Yako Taro is a fucking savant. The way the soundtrack changes with the gameplay to create these really interesting versions of songs you've already heard before, the way the ending comes together so that if you're having difficulty, you could ask for help and someone's save file would be deleted as they take the hits for you. Knowing that you have sacrificed, maybe even wasted, the time and effort of another human being, just for your ease of use, only to see their prewritten messages of encouragement cheering you on from what such other side of existence there must be. It's a lot to take in and makes me feel like a pussy bitch sometimes for having cried during that.

There's a sense of triumph. A sense of choosing what beliefs to hold, what to die over, and when to let go. The story goes through a whole series of concepts and all of them are incredibly heavy. It's almost MGS-like in the concepts it explores, which was another reason I was so into from the beginning.

This game is special. It's unique in ways I've not seen video games before. And it's my game of the year. Easy.

Honorable mentions:

Uncharted: The Lost Legacy

The Lost Legacy was sort of a weird game. I criticized Uncharted 4 for seeming so deathly serious and losing a little bit of that exciting, rip roaring adventurous tone of the first 3. This time the colors were a little muted, the stakes were dire, and everything had to be fucking emotional. It felt like a different game in a way.

The Lost Legacy takes care of this by jumping right back into the spirit of Uncharted. High stakes, deadly bad guys, and some up-top-down-low-too-slow wit to back up the humorous aspects. It really felt like it was a game more in the vein of Uncharted 2 than it did anything related to Uncharted 4 because of this.

I was initially worried about the subject matter because, I mean, Nadine and Chloe? Chloe is cool but is Nadine that dumb butt who backed the wrong horse in Uncharted 4 and then fucked off? Well, turns out my fears were misplaced because the buddy-cop relationship between straight laced Nadine and off-the-wall never-know-what-shes-gonna-do-next Chloe never stops being interesting. And also a surprising cameo appearance by Sam Drake puts the cherry on top to make an interesting dynamic, especially since Nadine imprisoned and tried to have Sam murdered in the previous game.

Kudos to Naughty Dog, they really nailed it.

The Sexy Brutale 

It was a cute game from the start, and a little bit dour and depressing near the end, but I really loved this game. I was hooked from the moment I saw it but had to wait for my chance to purchase it. I managed to nab it while on sale one day and almost couldn't put it down.

Sure, I'm not sure how to vocalize my opinion on the ending because I feel like it maybe got too weird in a direction that made me uncomfortable, but that's the thing: It doesn't have to care what I wanted. Games can make you uncomfortable. I look back on my past and feel very, very bad about things, and that makes sense. I have deep regrets. So what must someone with such intensely deep regrets think about? How must his mind analyze his wrong doings? How must he deal with moving on with his life, knowing what he did, knowing who he hurt?

I guess in a roundabout way I do understand how I feel about the ending. To a less extreme degree, it makes me deeply uncomfortable because I sympathize with it so much. The kind of sympathy that involves listening to Pink Floyd at 3 in the morning and crying. I've got a lot of regrets, things I wish I could do over, things I wish I never would have done. Unfortunately there's no going back, and seeing that play out in front of me makes me feel, well, feelings that are tough to deal with.

So, fucking great job guys. Your awesome little indie game made me existential.

Horizon Zero Dawn

I spent the entire game trying to unlock that cool sci-fi armor you find earlier on in the game and once I finally unlocked it, it turned out to just be some bullshit weave you apply to your existing armors and you don't get to look like a badass, just be invulnerable. I felt incredibly cheated. But what I did not feel cheated by was the breath taking open world stealth gameplay about a fucking world ravaged by robot dinosaurs. Turns out reliving my Metal Gear REX bossfight fetishes sparked something even deeper inside.

By all accounts Horizon Zero Dawn is a fantastic game and I was quite enraptured by its maybe-not-so-original story, but I thought it was well done and interesting enough to stand out. The world building in this game is incredible. Unfortunately I've yet to play the DLC but I hear it's also incredible.

I did think Aloy was a bit whitebread from time to time, often seeming more akin to a generic "do gooder" protagonist and the sometimes holier-than-thou attitude she exhibited was kind of frustrating sometimes. But aside from that I was fully on board with the game from the very beginning because, as it turns out, it's pretty fucking easy to sell me on the idea of giant robot dinosaurs. Still kinda pissed you can't ride a Thunderjaw though. It would have been number 1 if so.

Here's to next year!

Oh god I hope next year doesn't suck. This year has been such a great year for video games. I don't know what I'd do if they all started sucking again.

Shadow Of Mordor was a dope ass fucking game. Let's get that out of the way now. I didn't even have a PS4 when it came out so I was afraid I'd have to play the busted PS3 version. Thankfully though Gamefly didn't even have it in on PS3 for like 4 months for some reason, so I missed my opportunity. But that was okay because I was gifted a PS4 by my dear friend out of the kindness of his heart. And then I was able to tackle the game in all of its glory. And fucking boy howdy was it glorious.

Shadow of War is kind of similar in that regard. The things you liked about the first game are back, but somehow even better. The things you didn't like about the first game are as gone as I can remember, because most of the game works well with itself. With some exceptions.

See, in the first Shadow Of game, you were all about killing the Warchiefs. The Nemesis System as it was called was a progressive series of events spread out around several different in-game enemies for you to fight. A majority of them were Captains. You could kill them and gain power. But if you yourself were killed by them, it was they who gained the power. They would level up, gain new abilities, perhaps even followers, and they'd remember you. They would actually shit-talk you when you came back around to fight them. It was amazing. The mechanic behind Talion(the main character) able to actually be killed, but come back from the dead, was front and center with enemies able to kill you and then boast that fact to everyone. Awesome.

Shadow of War has that in spades. See, in the first game you only had two big zones to go through, with a unique Nemesis System for each. In Shadow of War, there are multiple stages with unique Nemesis Systems and challenges to overcome. Like, fortresses.

See, in the first game(Since this is how I'm going to begin every paragraph apparently), you could eventually "dominate" captains and even Warchiefs. This allows you to make them work for you. So you could stroll into fights with other Warchiefs in tow and really feel like you're building a war party. In Shadow Of War, that idea has been amplified with the concept of you building an army. And so you can attack fortresses and kill, capture or replace Warchiefs with your own dominated Orcs and begin sabotaging these fortresses which allow your big battle scenes to be easy or harder depending on how far you are willing to go.

Me being me, of course, I was willing to go all the way. I wanted to build my army. I wanted to feel the power that this Sauron assdick does. So I began working my way through the Warchiefs, building my power, acquiring their services or killing them if they were simply too high level to recruit(You can only recruit up to Talion's level). I would then make them "infiltrate" the fortress to serve as my spy. Personally, I think this is one of the identity issues the game has. First off, if he was already a Warchief and I dominated him, why does he stop being a Warchief? Why do I have to reinstall him into a power he never lost? When I dominate captains they don't stop being captains.

But that's where one of the worst parts of the games kick in: Pit Fights. What if I told you one of the most impossibly boring mechanics in video games is something that you will be spending a lot of time partaking in if you wanted to proceed in a manner that makes the most sense? What if I told you that the fantastic fighting system that Shadow of War relies upon is completely relinquished, instead forcing you to watch the most fucking ungodly boringly stupid battles between two A.I. characters that you cannot influence in any capacity?

That's right! Pit Fights! You want to have someone infiltrate a Warchief and pretend to be his loyal guard when in reality they are your spy? Gotta go into the pits and watch a two minute long "fight" between two A.I's who look like they've never actually fought before because all they fucking do is dodge around all the fucking time and never attack each other. Whenever the player fights a Captain, they go super aggro and attack with everything they've fucking got, and they've got a fucking lot. But with the A.I. fights, you don't get that ferocity. You get a middling, boring, meandering mistake of a concept. Because in a game that's all about fighting and dominating people, making players watch something that equates to being barely a cutscene is definitely the way to win them over.

I mean fuck why not let these fights be controllable? Why not allow the players to take control over their Orc and get a taste of what it's like to be these guys? That way you get your pit fights but at least allow some sort of engagement instead of just "okay, I've got two minutes, let's bump that spotify shit" and then entering a state of angry existence.

After that, you've got yourself a spy. But wait a second, there's a lot of Warchiefs. So that means for every Warchief you try to have infiltrate, you have to do another one of these pit fights? Yep. You're going to be spending a lot of the game here. Honestly it wasn't so bad in the beginning. But over time I became so bored and angry of this mechanic. "Surely there was a better way?" I kept asking myself. But the game kept responding to me with a simple, but effective, "fuck'n get rekt m8" Or maybe that's what my subconscious projected the game to be saying since it became entirely clear after a certain point that this game had no fucking respect for me or my time.

After you do your 300 pit fights to get your Warchiefs in place to sabotage the fort, you can begin your assault. But before I forget, the reason to even sabotage the fort in the first place is that each Warchief represents a different ability that the fort has which makes assaulting it difficult. For example, the fort might have Metal Walls, which means it's much more difficult to break through. It also may have fire streaming out of the side of the walls, making it impossible for your units to climb over. Or maybe it has archers that can shoot you from very, very far away. Defeating a Warchief will disable these abilities, and there are abilities for each slot on the fort, which is filled by a Warchief. Once you defeat them all, you'll have a relatively easier time getting in.

If you've managed to install your very own Warchiefs to act as spies to sabotage the fort in the first place, things will get even easier. I'm not science man but I'm pretty sure the front gates are rigged to blow for you to allow your forces easier access. Once inside, you have to capture a series of "zones" which act as a defensible platform for your soldiers to hold while you invade. Once you capture a zone, one of the warchiefs will show up to fight. If it's your own Warchief, he will make things even easier for you by joining the fight and pushing on to the next zone.

Once you've captured all of the zones, the siege is pretty much over, and now it's time to confront the Overlord. The big man in charge of the entire fort, which is engaged in a sort-of-boss-battle that can get fairly hairy if you aren't prepared. Once the overlord is defeated, you take control over the fort and can promote one of your orcs to be the Overlord. Once you have done this, you can customize your own Fort defenses like the fire streams, far ranged archers and so on, to prevent others from easily capturing your forts in turn.

If you die during the overlord battle, the game does something a lot kinder than it has any right to, and allows you to immediately start the siege again, but from the boss battle. I guess it figures, hey, you've gotten here before, why make you go through all of that again? But this mechanic is not indicative of what's to come. Oh god no. Oh god it gets so much worse. Oh fuck. Please no.

SHADOW WARS

So, I'll be glossing over a lot of the game from here on out. The story is bad. The characterizations are bad. The motivations and wishy washy actions of Talion which make no fucking sense and leave me scratching my head most of the time, to the fact that I had a hard time following the events that transpired because I was so bored and disinterested in anything when it came to the narrative. I mean fucking hell it felt like they didn't even try. Things just happen around you, and that's honestly the long and short of it.

Instead, the game enters a whole new world of bullshit. A world so fucking contrived and bullshit it will honestly make you question why this game even exists in the first place.

So once you've effectively beaten the game and have done most of the narrative shit there is to do, the game does something so epic it made me want to throw myself from a mountain. It HIDES THE FUCKING ENDING OF THE GAME BEHIND GRINDY BULLSHIT THAT ENCOURAGES YOU TO PURCHASE MICROTRANSACTIONS TO SPEED UP THE GRIND.

I glossed over quite a bit of the game because I feel like honestly that stuff wasn't important. And I mean that from my perspective. I don't care about that other shit. This game takes Troy Baker and Laura Bailey and makes them boring fucking messes, that should tell you all you need to know(Assuming you know who those two are. They are voice actors and quite good. This game misuses them horrendously).

See, you've got those forts I talked about before. Except there are 4 or 5 of them(I'm frazzled, I can't remember the number exactly). Once you've beaten the game, it's time to "defend" your forts against the forces of the Dark Lord(Sauron). He sends attack after attack against your forts, causing you to defend them, then pop out to the next fort, defend that, then the next one, then the next one, then the next one. It's a war of attrition that isn't satisfying nor is it exciting. It's a fucking disaster if I've ever seen one.

I've talked pretty negatively about the rest of the game, story, voice acting, etc etc. But honestly it wasn't a bad game at all. I was thoroughly enjoying my time with it. Honestly. But once this shit kicked into high gear and it kept throwing higher and higher waves of enemies at me, and the only way to improve upon that was to grind and grind and grind out better orcs OR BUY SOME MICROTRANSACTIONS WHICH COME WITH ORCS NEAR OR EQUAL TO YOUR LEVEL, I was so fucking done. But please understand, it's not just the difficulty of the missions, it's the frequency of them. It constantly spins. Round and round the world. Go from level to level and defend your forts, and when you're done, go to the next area and do the same, and then go to the next area and do the same.

Shadow Wars has 10 stages in total, each one requiring you to defend your forts a number of times per stage. And it just. Keeps. Going. Pitting your orcs against each other so they can level up in the pit fights, going to the next level with equally underleveled orcs, putting them in the pit fights to level up, going to the next level. It's a nightmare that doesn't end. The grind was so much that I honestly expected Ahston Kutcher to pop out of my closet and be like "hahaha this game is shit that's the prank haah we pranked you you're so pranked check out my hot wife" and give me a real copy of the game.

The fun part, of course, comes from when you fail a siege. Upon failing this defense mission, your fort is instantly captured, new Warchiefs are installed and you must START CAPTURING WARCHIEFS AND GOING BACK INTO THE FIGHT PITS AND BASICALLY STARTING ALL OVER FROM THE BEGINNING, EASILY KILLING SEVERAL HOURS OF PROGRESS IN ONE FELL SWOOP.

Now, the funny thing, these defenses aren't so difficult in the beginning. But the combat has this feature where you can, if you purchase a specific skill from the skill tree, have a second chance in combat. Or, rather, another second chance. So if you get killed, you have one more opportunity to make good on killing them instead. But some captains have this really awesome feature called "no chance" where, if they land the killing blow on you, you just don't get a save from it. You die instantly. And this is how I failed several of these defenses. Got clipped by a certain arrow, or someone hits you with some powerful attack as you dodge away. Get knocked down, but before you can get up again, they fucking assassinate you and cause you to lose your progress.

So, safe to fucking say, I hate this fucking game.

Instead it just goes on until you wish for death. And then... oh god, could it be? Could it actually be? It fucking ends? Oh wow! I've done it! I've done it you guys! I've succeeded! Yes friends, it's true. I finally went through all of the grinding, all of that fucking mess of a system to finally see the ending of the game and! And!! And... it's like a 20 second clip where it says, essentially "Shit was fucked up for a while but it's cool because here's your fucking happy ending".

It... was... not... worth. I spent my entire Christmas playing this because there was something deep down inside of me that did not want to play this anymore, but I knew I was so close, so I had to burn my way through to see the actual ending of the game and be done with it once and for all. I could not go to sleep one more night with this thing potentially there to fuck me up once more. So I beat it, I was done it with it, and it's fucking dead to me now.

But hey, at least the photomode is pretty cool huh!?

I give Shadow of War...

I guess this lo-fi look is something I'm going for now?

Guess that's one way to spoil a review, huh? Just right there in the headline. Why even bother reading if you already know I liked it? Interesting thought experiments aside, let's dive into this neat little indie game.

I had seen gameplay of The Sexy Brutale several months ago and I was instantly hooked on it. The only problem at the time was being dirt poor(Story of my life). So eventually I acquired some funds, and also the game went on sale so I bought it.

I actually end up missing out on some of these games due to them only being available digitally. I use gamefly for all of my gaming shit since I've been far too poor for far too long, and will probably continue being poor. So being able to rent games means I'm definitely able to get my hands on the big triple-a games, but miss out on a lot of very interesting smaller titles, like this one. More on the game below.

The game is a time-traveling murder mystery in which you play a priest who has been chosen by a woman covered entirely in blood. She says there's mystery afoot, and the house staff tonight have been infiltrated and replaced by bloodthirsty thugs and it's up to you(the player) to save them from being horribly murdered.

You have been given the power over time itself by using a cool magical pocketwatch which allows you to turn back the clock to the start of the day. And from here, you must travel through the mansion and save the guests from certain death. See, all of the guests and even the house staff, and you as well, are all wearing these interesting masks to obscure their identities. Kind of like the parties my parents used to go to when I was a kid. Except once you save a guest, you acquire a special power which allows you to enhance your abilities and even give you neat little tricks.

The game takes place in a large mansion with many intertwining and connecting passage ways which makes navigating a challenge. There's also a time mechanic, since it is a time traveling game and all. Let a guest die and you'll have to restart from the beginning of the day. You must take what you've learned from how they are killed to figure out the numerous puzzles found within the world and figuring out which items work in which ways.

Unfortunately I'm a complete fucking idiot so I ended up making the game much harder for myself by not understanding that you can choose which grandfather clock to start the day from. See, there are these big grandfather clocks spread out all over the mansion, and you find these wind-up, uh, things, which can wind up the grandfather clocks. Essentially "activating" them so you can then say "When I restart the clock, I want to start the day here". Except I did not know how to do that even after the game tells you how.

So I made things pretty needlessly hard for myself by literally running all over the goddamn mansion trying to save guests from their doom. So a large part of the frustration that this game gave me was actually just my own damn fault. Learn from my mistakes.

The thing that's so fascinating about the game is the presentation and the writing, and the music, and the story, and, well, it's all pretty great. They were going for that glitzy ballroom dance masquerade up beat jazzy swing house band approach to the visual design of the game and the soundtrack as well. It's a refreshing approach that takes you right into a good ol' time of trying to solve some murders and also get frustrated when you walk into a room and the soundtrack changes from something rad to something atmospheric.

I'm an idiot, which I'm pretty sure we've determined by now. And so I'm usually bad at puzzle games to a degree in which I just generally avoid them all together, but when it comes to The Sexy Brutale I just couldn't resist. It's so charming in the writing and the story, and, well, you don't get to spend a whole lot of time with the characters you save, but they manage to cram pack so much character and personality into them. Especially some of the evil house guests. They usually don't have a lot to say, but it comes off very effective when they do say something particularly evil.

There's actually one issue I have with the game, and it's the ending. I want everyone to play this so I'll be light on the spoilers, but it was something I struggled with after beating the game and ultimately I'm still not sure how I feel about the ending. I either hated it or I loved it. It's very divisive and polarizing so it makes me feel... feelings, I suppose.

Everything else is great though. I quite enjoyed the time-crunch when racing against the clock hoping to god I can figure out the puzzle before I have to watch some nice people be viciously murdered. Actually, that's something that I think is very effective in this game. The death dialog, and it's all text based, no voice acting to be had, is almost kind of realistic in the ways that these people often beg for their life. Or so I've heard. And by "so I've heard" I mean I've heard other people talking about, because, you know, I'm not a serial killer.

It's extremely sobering and very sad to have to see people die and beg for their lives and say goodbye to their friends(Where available). It made me feel very uncomfortable and in turn fuel my desire to help and save people from actually certain death.

There's no combat in the game. You use keyholes to peek inside of rooms and even have the ability to "listen" out to a certain range, which allows you to pick up on where people are or are moving to. Because, and this is one of the big mechanics of the game, you cannot be in the same room as one of the guests or bad guys. So you have to figure out these puzzles while also being mindful of the schedules that these entities have. They move around, talk to one another, and will even interact with certain items throughout the world. It's an interesting balancing act that comes together very tightly when you navigate around completing these puzzles. At least until you forget to pull a slot machine handle and ruin a good run like an asshole. BUT WHO WOULD MAKE THAT MISTAKE?

If you are caught in a room with another entity, their mask will float upwards into the air and then make a b-line for you which will I guess slowly kill you. So you must leave the room as soon as possible. You are also not allowed to interact with anything save for a door or exit so it's not possible to cheese anything.

Since time travel is a big emphasis on the game, anything you pick up and have not used will be reset once you travel back in time. So you have to manage your items and other such things you pick up if you plan on going back any time soon, or else you'll just have to pick them back up. It wasn't too much of a burden in my playthrough of the game so it never bothered me. It just added more layers to the strategy by forcing you to actually remember shit, which I am bad at.

All in all I quite enjoyed the game. It has a fantastic presentation and even if the ending left me a little iffy, or, rather, unsure of my feelings, I recommend this beautiful game to anyone who would have it.

I give it a score of...

Or "D&D New Jersey", take your pick. Regardless it wasn't fucking nice and we'll hopefully never go back. Also, can YOU spot this week's easter egg?



Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Amber Moon. Drunko Munko.
Firion Mithrin. Literally a fucking corpse you have no idea.
Virro. Life Cleric.
Gal. Also Life Cleric.
Akra. Barbarian/Fighter.



Our adventure begins the same way it always fucking does, with people standing around and doing fuck all before some magical shit starts to happen and suddenly we're whisked away to a world of magical... whatever this was.

But before the magical whisking away some guy shows up and starts talking about being invited to a planar arena fight. Everyone in the party were all like "yo that sounds crazy" but then the guy mentioned that we could win prizes and, best of all, they were completely unable to die. So they were free to fight as hard as they liked and had no actual risk of death. Although there were some ground rules.

Such as: You are not allowed to run away. In fact, moving away from a creature in any capacity will cause an actual fucking orbital cannon to fire down upon you and annihilate everything you stand for. Although you'll not actually be killed, it will remove you from the fight. And also, somewhat importantly, fight to the death. Since you can't die, you are required to finish off any target you take down before proceeding.

The gang got together and discussed some thing and ultimately decided, hey, this guy could be lying to us and we could be easily killed with out stupidity... but also, money. So let's do it. And so they did it.

They were then magically whisked away to the most fucked up plane of total indifference anyone has ever seen, especially Bridges. It is as if the gods themselves were like "Yeah we'll get around to making this place less shitty ehhhhhhhhhh nevermind".

So immediately upon entering an inn which would be housing them for their tournament, they immediately noticed some poor enslaved person being bullied by two goliaths. But instead of doing anything or possibly risking being thrown into planar prison, they just sort of antagonized the two brutes by convincing them the person was actually a rabbit. Because fuck it why wouldn't you.

Ultimately that went nowhere and the two brutes left to undoubtedly beat a poor innocent man to a death he will never experience on this plane. But anyway the rest of the party went to go about actually renting their rooms and was immediately aware of the fact that their guide is a cheapskate and forgot to hand over any money for the rooms they'll be sleeping in. But the innkeeper got that sorted out and it was only downhill from there.

They were given a choice of rooms by different type of key. Blue key, red key, black key. Blue key gave you some cool magical shit, red key did something that Bridges didn't get to experience, and the black room was determined to be a fucking death trap in some way so Amber Moon accepted that room and then slept in the hallway. Wise.

So they wake up in the morning and are told they have to fight a group of spellcasters or whatever. They were taken to a very large area and spread out amongst their friends, interceded by another team they would have to fight. Bridges was having a bit of a mental meltdown because they were told explicitly not to move away from a creature, but by the sheer simple mathematical and logical series of deduction, by having more than one creature, spread out far away from each other, by moving in any direction you are moving closer to one, yes, but further away from the others. And so he was getting fucking crunked thinking about potentially being murdered.

But it turned out to not be a big deal. The first fight was easy anyway, with each of these widdle babby spellcaster people turning out to be a total pushover, except one who got fucking schwifty by turning invisible and playing on our inability to find him to get us to move away from him, thus triggering the orbital cannon. Although the party was pretty fucking sure he was cheating because he explicitly moved away from someone at least once. But it was clear from this point on that the rules seemed a lot looser than the party had imagined.

First fight clear. They had defeated the pushovers with a few close calls from the orbital cannon because of that cheating wizard bastard getting them all confused. They were to turn in for the night, but tomorrow they would have two fights: One against a group of creatures, and one against the man who brought them there. But Bridges doesn't remember his name because fuck that guy.

So as they turn in they were offered even more rooms, the standard far or blue, red, or this time green. Bridges does not appreciate the color green, but the blue room was pretty awesome so the green room must be as well. So they celebrated their victories and headed off to bed. And then everything started to fucking suck even more.

While Bridges was sleeping apparently this fucking room has a fun little feature in it. See, most rooms would go for a water bed, maybe one of those bathroom stalls with the hole in the wall so you can keep your weapon at the ready, or a cool chair or something. But not here. Not this fucking plane. Nope. While Bridges was sleeping he was dosed with poison. Him and his Pegasus, Cynvard The Ultimate Party Pegasus, were dosed with poison as soon as the shit-sun rose on this plane.

Bridges was, expectedly, not happy. And so he gave this stoner asshole warrior bitch a piece of his mind about what the hell is going on here. Surprisingly, he was told that these kinds of rooms are often requested because of the challenges that they present for the battles. Which Bridges thought was fucking stupid so fuck that.

Anyway they had another battle today, but not just one. Their first engagement would be against a group of monsters, followed up by the dickhead. Virro kindly healed Bridges for the damage he had taken, and then they went into battle.

It was a group of giant fucking things Bridges had never seen before, but he was ready. Initiative was rolled, battle had commenced and Bridges was immediately rushed down by one of the larger foes. In his defense, he cast Hypnotic Pattern and completely locked down one of them for the entire duration of that fight. While the others heroically fought with every ounce of their strength, Bridges just sorta hung out on his Pegasus because he 1: Can't move away from this creature to help them, and 2: Doesn't have a lot to offer while concentrating on his spell.

So he had to kinda twiddle his thumbs a bit and wait for the others to be done with their thing. Someone Bridges had never met before, an individual named Akra, turned out to be quite a bloodthirsty beast and fucked the ever loving shit out of several of the creatures, almost completely unable to "calm the fuck down" while in battle. Which was nice.

Once the others were done with their conquests they casually strode up on whatever creature Bridges had locked down and systematically destroyed it. From then on, there were able to proceed with the second round of combat which would be against a single individual, and that of the one who brought them there and tried to be a cheater but he made one mistake: He fucking told the party how he was going to do it. And Bridges had the ability to cast See Invisibility, so his plan was null and void for at least one person.

The party had prepared themselves, Bridges had his See Invisibility on, and Firion was still dead. Roll Initiative once more. Immediately the plan was obvious: Be a cheater cheater chicken eater, but with the tight coordination of the party, they were able to move in and attempt to show him - HOLY SHIT HE HAS A RAILGUN.

This guy was able to charge his fucking railgun and prepare to fire it on them all, but Amber Moon moved in and saved the day by stunning him with his furry fists of fury. They were safe just long enough to beat him with their combined might, but the railgun still ended up going off prematurely, which is something that happens to all railguns, and ended up shooting someone with the force of a thousand suns.

Ultimately the fight had ended without a sizable amount of damage. They had taken him down and now it was time to rest up for the last fight tomorrow which is supposed to be super hard but whatever they've killed hotter shit. Moving on.

They picked rooms that weren't entirely deadly or detrimental and got some rest. Some actual rest. No fucking poison to the face shit. Like they actually went to sleep and had sweet dreams and fucking woke up the next day. Fuck.

They all gathered amongst themselves in the arena this time supposedly in for less of a challenge than the guy from yesterday, though he was a bit of a pushover aside from his actual railgun. She was some kind of spellcaster. Druid? Sorcerer? Bridges couldn't remember. It all starts to run together. But this was to be the final fight for the party and they'd be able to collect their loot and go the fuck home.

So they chose their starting locations. Bridges once again turned on his See Invisibility which only works once a day. Amber Moon was ready to continue stunning. Firion was still dead. Some individuals had actually headed home after the second day, so now the group was actually a little smaller.

Initiative Rolled for the final night. For the final fight. And pretty much the expected happens. A single spellcaster against a whole hoard of people who don't very much care what they think. A constant barrage of beat down after beat down, a trading of veritable blows as Amber Moon stuns and slashes with his claws. Firion, managing to trick the lady into thinking he was a corpse, (jokes on her he actually is a corpse) blasted her with magical spells and Bridges also did cool shit too.

It wasn't so much of a stressful fight, it was more or less a slog to take them down before the party was taken down, and not too much interesting happened. Bridges couldn't stop thinking about two things: 1: This place sucks. 2: Bridges wants a railgun.

Before long the fight was over, and the lady fell down. Defeated by the bravery and heroism of Bridges Rhinestone Jr and that Bigby's Hand he summoned only to be immediately killed. After the fight they went for their rewards and discovered that this place actually has a fucked up kind of currency that is somewhat equal to platinum but is all weird and shit and is probably not actually accepted anywhere else. Alternatively the group was told that if they wanted rooms that didn't suck literal dick to ask for the gold rooms, since those were good and not bad. Bridges inquired why in the fucking fuck they didn't volunteer this information beforehand, but everyone there sucked so much he wasn't worried about it.

Bridges did offer to help their PR department by actually doing some advertising for the plane and fixing everything that fucking sucks about it to attract more than just masochist asshole underachieving stoners, but it was clear the guy was far too high to understand anything he was saying. So, cool.

They took their money, went home, and wrote the most passive aggresive Air BNB review they will ever write.

"Be warned, all ye who enter here, the Elemental Plane of Indifference sucks super dick".

No witty taglines for this write up because like any good cliche, Bridges forgot to leave a note!





Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Firion Mithrin (RIP). Illusionist Wizard/Lore Bard/Force Ghost.
Amber Moon. Way of the Drunken Master Monk.
Gautier. Alcoholic.
Qolan Denine. Some kind of fucked up Warlock.




Bridges and the whole of Salad Force found themselves doing one thing or another that is of no consequence entirely when a crazy Seleir busted through the door of whatever vague establishment they found themselves in, ranting and raving about some crazy cult. IT SEEMS this cult worships big things.

So obviously the gang had to go out and fucking kill them all. BUT THAT WASN'T IT. It seems there was a great need for two groups of individuals. One group to find and defeat this great beast, and one group to prevent it from being summoned elsewhere. So Salad Force all signed up to go and give this large beast what-for, while the other group would go and prevent a ritual from summoning it somewhere else.

It's been a while and Bridges can't quite remember how exactly they arrived to where they did, but apparently they rode up on a keep of some kind being patrolled by all kinds of creatures. Trolls, orcs, goblins. Even giants. Party A, the most important party, watched from afar while discussing their plan of action. Eventually the party somehow stumbled across the idea of having Bridges polymorph himself into a T-Rex. This cult supposedly worships big creatures, but would a T-Rex be enough? So Firion decided to utilize his illusory magic to summon an illusion of an even bigger T-Rex over the actual T-Rex, and Qolan would provide the voice for the T-Rex to help during social(?) encounters.

This fucking baller ass plan was sealed in, Bridges became a 3x T-Rex and to the keep they went. At the door was some giant or other and at first wanted to attack, but Qolan made a good effort to influence their desire to worship big things, and after a minute or two conversation, was invited into the Order of Big, or something along those lines.

Inside, the 3x T-Rex party was invited to eat amongst the trolls, orcs, giants and goblins, but Bridges decided that a show of force would go a lot further than any pleasantries, so he forcibly devoured a goblin who was presumably 2 weeks from retirement and flourished him around in a magnificent display of power. The illusion of the dinosaur was actually bigger than the actual creature, so Firion had to maintain control over his illusion so that the effect would appear seamless against the actual dinosaur actually murdering a goblin. And because he's Firion(RIP) he managed to do so with ease.

Eventually they were sent on their way to a giant portal which was covered up by some sort of clamshell mountain encasement which could be opened or closed by a giant and an oni who pulled on the chains. The party proceeded inward, their fucked up masquerade a success, and ended up walking through the portal and into the elemental plane of Earth.

Easily the craziest thing Bridges has done so far, but the night was still young, and the party could spot trouble a far, far way away in the visage of a vaguely humanoid figure, except as tall as a mountain, and also it pretty much was a mountain. And inwards they went.

The party could only imagine the horrors that the B team were facing at this harrowing moment in their journey, and they could only hope for their safety right now.

Upon getting closer to this, uh, big thing, the party were scouting around and thinking of the ways best to approach this. Somehow Bridges knew that the ol' 3x Dinosaur trick wasn't going to cut it, so he had to get crafty. There were 3 or 4 orcs standing on platforms surrounding this actual fucking colossal figure's chest, and the question at the moment was: Deal with them or ignore them? First, this several hundred feet tall figure had to be clambered onto.

Qolan, making what would go on to be one of the best decisions of the night, decided to cast Fly on pretty much everyone. Except Firion(POUR ONE OUT FOR HIM) because of his flying broom. This would assist the party greatly as they would be able to maintain their hold on the creature in case something got shaky.

Bridges cast invisibility on everyone but himself, and then cast Dimension Door, taking Amber Moon along for the ride. Bridges managed to maintain stealth on himself due to his fucking awesome boots, but Amber Moon wasn't so lucky. And so the Colossus activated and fucking holy fucking fuck this thing was a fucking fucker.

Roll initiative. Bridges was pulling one for the homies by pretty consistently going first during some pretty important turns. He spent a majority of the fight by hiding between the creatures eyes, since it was so big he could do so easily. Qolan, concentrating on Fly for everyone, did the smart move by keeping out of range and pelting it with Eldritch Blast after Eldritch Blast. Firion and Gautier moved in, Firion by air, and Gautier by land as they attempted to put the pressure on and have at this fucking thing. Amber Moon did his monk thing and went after the trolls. Or were they orcs? Shit it's not important. Long story short he fucking killed them all.

Bridges remembered his super awesome ring and utilized it to great affect as he was able to cast Bigby's Hand from it, and he continually punched the fucking Colossus in his eyes. But the party was soon about to learn, this fucking Colossus wasn't finished with us yet.

He swung slow, but he swung hard. He needed an entire actual turn to set up a swing before bringing down his massive earthen sword, but honestly it was so large it was probably more accurate to call it a tectonic plate. And it fucking hurts. With an average damage output of about 127 points of damage across an area of effect, whenever it hit anyone it fucking nearly killed them.

The play by play becomes fuzzy for Bridges as he was honestly unable to see a lot of what was happening around him, due to being lodged between the eyes of this Colossus, but Gautier, Amber Moon and Firion were continually putting on the smackdown. With a creature this size, it almost felt like it was a waste of time to attack it. Because how could a mortal creature possibly harm a mountain with mere weapons? Spells could make an argument, but claws? The heat of the moment was drawing out for the party, some feeling like they weren't even doing anything because of that lack of certainty. But then, a glowing spot appeared on the Colossus in what would be the abdominal section of a humanoid, and this was our moment to strike.

Bridges was at the time unaware of this as he was too far away to see it and his companions weren't in a talkative mood when they would rather be trying to kill this fucker. But the glowing spot disappeared soon after. Unfortunately, by the time the next glowing spot arrived, the party were in the midst of recuperating and missed their chances entirely to utilize the temporary weaknesses.

The glowing spot was apparently tied to the other adventurers, as this was a dual quest between a large group but split into two. Bridges was told later that while his party was actually dying, the other party was determining on whether they should even enter the dungeon that would lead them to the ritual site or not. And due to their lackadaisical nature in destroying 3 magical crystals which would weaken the colossus for Salad Force(And Qolan), it took a fucking long ass time to see that second or third one. And in the process of waiting, Team A were almost killed numerous times.

Just being around the creature was difficult, as the shifting mass was able to bounce anyone off of it. Bridges only maintained his position due to his ability to fly. Amber Moon was not so lucky, and neither was Gautier as they both kept getting bucked off.

The force ghost of Firion was having a rough time as well as he was being battered and beaten from the heavy swings of this actual mountain with a sword. Except he was sort of an island of his own due to the flying broom, making it kind of difficult to lend a helping hand when needed. For example, in the entirety of the battle, Bridges didn't expend a single usage of his bardic inspiration because the sheer size of the creature kept his allies quite far away.

The creature was eventually visibly wounded. The gang were making headway into the defeat of the colossus, but in turn were dying and horribly injured themselves. Bridges made the call that if they wanted to get out of here alive, they had to leave. Qolan was batted away so far, because apparently he turns into an ice ball when defeated or some shit I don't even know what was going on, and so instead of being murdered was sent flying off into the sky. Firion would eventually suffer the same fate of being knocked quite far away. Bridges had yet to take a single point of damage so he wasn't going anywhere right now. But that's when the alarm was signaled: Back up had arrived.

The B Team, finally back from their tea and nap adventure in a dungeon, had arrived to assist their Salad Brothers, and also Qolan. Ven, co-founder of Salad Force along with Bridges, had learned of some trouble befalling his brothers, and teleported backup to where they were needed most, and then immediately passed out. But the war horn was stifled a bit too early as two of the backing team had been literally instantly killed under the heel of this actual mountain and a couple of the other biggest hitters in the entire town, were instantly knocked unconscious as well. So fucking much for back up.

Bridges, upon seeing the arrival of the other group, decided to utilize his last Dimension Door and bamf over to Firion who was fucking almost literally dead(RIP THOUGH CUZ HE'S REALLY DEAD NOW FOR REAL AND EVER) to slow his rapid descent since Bridges was still flying thanks to Qolan. But once Firion was safely on the ground and not dead, he fucking saw the other faction get obliterated and had to rejoin the fray. Smashing and dashing with his flight and Bigby's Hand, Bridges came so very close to laying this massive creature low. But thankfully Vymphala, one of the arriving-and-then-immediately-put-into-timeout backup adventurers, was healed and then proceeded to walk up to and smite the ever loving fuck out of the titan.

It was dead. So were those other two adventurers. Bridges and his best friend Bigby had managed to wallop on a mountain and make it think twice about forgetting the name, or the name of all of his friends at Salad Force, once more.

The other dead adventurers were eventually brought back to life just too late to see the glory of Bridges Rhinestone Jr, but then there's always next time. There was no discernible loot to be had, no monetary reward laying amongst the rubble, and no hot babes, but Bridges felt like he learned quite a lot about fucking with mountains, and that sometimes punching them in the dick is always the best solution.

Boss Fight Leaderboards (click me)

Aw fuck it's that time again. Bridges Rhinestone Jr. and co went on an adventure to kill a massive jerkface vampire and in the process discovered that the internet was inside of them all along.





Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Gisela Fade. Eldritch Clamshell.
Vymphala Hotai. Devotion Paladin.
J-Swaggums. Big stick mommy.
Vanamo. Trapfinder Cleric.
Adina. Raven Queen Patron Warlock.



The adventure started off pretty bad because Bridges and co. were getting hit with mysterious timewave alteration signals(I.E: Discord went down, roll20 was having issues, and Bridges' computer was lagging to holy fucking hell) and as a result Bridges missed pretty much the entire first portion of the adventure.

But what Bridges did know was: They were sent to defeat the final member of the Order of Osteoporosis: Vampire Division. Bridges was there for the destruction of most of the members(Barring one) of the vampire division and was gifted a badass ring by that cool god Raven Queen lady person, which enabled him to do a lot more with his bardic abilities. He was also told that his ring would increase in power if he was there to assist with the destruction of Orion, the final remaining vampire. And he's all about that sick fucking loot so sign him right the fuck up. And so he did.

When we rejoined our intrepid heroes, Bridges was unconscious on the ground in some alcove and there were enemy creatures everywhere or something but being unconscious makes things fuzzy. Someone woke him up and informed him that there's fucking crazy shit happening all over the place, but he wanted to conserve his energy so he just used his Vicious Mockery, and somehow managed to actually get a kill with it, which was the first one, so that was nice.

He wasn't quite sure of the scenario that got him here or what was actually going on beyond just his surroundings, but due to the mysterious timewave alteration signals(I.E: lag) that was to be expected. Eventually those circumstances were over and the party were up and ready to get things moving and Bridges was ready to get filled in on some things.

Unfortunately the distortions were not resolved quite yet and all Bridges could really hear were bits and pieces of some sort of magical portal puzzle which apparently used some sort of color combination system to lead intruders into potentially trapped places while directing those who can successfully figure it out in the direction of the lair.

Eventually the only way to actually get in on this adventure was to attempt to control the timewave alteration signals(I.E: Close literally everything but the discord client in hopes that his computer doesn't fucking explode), which resulted in a success and he was able to maintain himself with assured stability.

With Bridges successfully cognizant, he was able to bone down with the rest of the party as they make their way into the final area and confront Orion. Which they did, because she wasn't too far away. But Bridges had a plan for this person. She was apparently powerful, so he was going to use his power to cast greater invisibility on himself and then spend the encounter moving close enough to counterspell the vampire and lock her down. Being a Lore Bard he had higher chances of doing so successfully and he was fucking ready.

They get ready to walk in, Bridges casts See Invisibility from his super powered Goggles of Night, and they arrived. Orion stood high and mighty in her weirdly open and empty big ass room, but she came prepared and had a whole host of mooks to back her up. Bridges seized the opportunity and made himself invisible, thankfully going unnoticed doing so, and then moved inwards to attempt the razzling dazzling.

There was a man there, a follower of Orion who appeared to not be a vampire, but wielded a powerful glaive. Among him in the mooksquad were a couple of not-so-powerful mages which would only provide to be a minor annoyance.

Combat began, everyone roll initiative. J-Swaggums does the unthinkable and sneaks her way around to behind Orion, far far away from the rest of the party. Bridges continues his trek to counterspell city, Gisela and Vymphala move in to confront Glaivie McGlavieface. Adina did Adina things because Bridges wasn't paying attention to her. Sorry not sorry.

It was a flurry of blows coming in from all sides as Bridges continually counterspelled every dramatic and deadly spell Orion could throw, maintaining his stealth by suddenly being aware that the only components counterspell requires are somatic, which means he just shakes his hands and magic goes away, allowing him to blend into the unknown for a little longer. J-Swiggity wasn't as fortunate as her tiny gnome body was riddled with dirty vampire attacks a Orion tried desperately not to let her go.

The others in the party tried to wrestle down the now hasted Glaiveman, but his raw damage output was enough to keep them guessing and on the back foot, but that wasn't good enough to put them down, and so they kept kicking ass.

The battle continued as the mages were eventually being finished off, and the Glaiveman was near defeated, but timewave distortion signals eliminated Vymphala from the fight, so she took a nap right in the middle of it. Boy it would have been fucking awkward if the party all died except for the napping dragonborn. But it did not come to that.

Eventually Orion, now revealed to be a bard herself(And a shitty one too), started looking pretty rough, and began to change into a much larger form, and also grew giant wings and shit. She kept the pressure high on J-Swooty and continually lashed out at her until she was nearly fucking dead. Bridges' existence was now apparent to the giant bat, and so counterspell duty was over and it was time to bring the fucking pain, which he did by using his bread and butter Dissonant Whispers, managing to actually roll max damage on it, which was pretty sick, and sent her flying away, allowing his teammates to use their opportunity attacks and dig into her.

It was looking scary for J-Hashtagblessed for a while there, but eventually the killing blow was landed on Orion and she was sent to whatever hell vampires believe in, and the fight was over. Everyone went around and getting their proper healing done, looked for loot and got ready to bunk down for the night. They were pretty happy to have not died, and Bridges managed to learn quite a lot of about flying winged bitches. But their fun was short lived as suddenly a fucking woman appeared out of nowhere and instantly brought Gisela fade to near death, whispered sweet nothings into her ear, and then vanished. So what the fuck.

And they all lived happily ever after...?

Yes. They did.