D&D West Marches 018 - KILL THE DWARF

Aw fuck it's that time again.

Because the Dwarf was not KILL

Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Gisela Tank. Big Bowl of Metal.
Seleir. Suicidal Stab Man.
Amber Moon. Suicidal Punch Man.
Zephran. Not Firion.
Ra'Gu. Not Spaghetti Sauce.

Javid, the ultimate friend to Bridges Rhinestone Jr. In the last adventure with Javid Bridges discovered that Javid was cursed, and also Borat. So Bridges decided he wants to help Javid out and get him uncursed and unBoratted.

But many months passed(Read: Like 2) before that time was to come. But it did come as Javid's dad, uh, Javid's Dad sent out a call for arms as a cure was potentially in sight. Upon arriving, the group of miscreants, and Bridges, heard of a powerful wizard man who was very powerful and also a wizard man. They were told to simply talk to the individual in hopes of regaining Javid's Javidness to return him to his former glory.

This was all it took for Bridges to accept the quest. Gisela was also on the first quest so there was some familiar territory to tread, except they would soon realize that shit was fucked and this wasn't anything like the fun pirate adventure of the last adventure.

Zephran and Amber Moon spent most of the adventure eye fucking each other which was probably supposed to be conveyed as some sort of antagonistic tension between the two but Bridges is pretty sure they just need to fuck.

There's a cave they need to go into where the wizard man is staying, and the party is just supposed to talk to him but they are pretty sure deep down inside they will end up fighting him. But before they can get there they must be teleported by some mages who are so powerful it's a wonder why they didn't go fight him.

But anyway they head in and Bridges is riding his ultimate party pegasus, Cynvard. Suddenly a whole hoard of the undead animate and attack, but Bridges is just the best at everything and manages to stifle them all with a well placed Hypnotic Pattern. The party then easily meanders to them and cleans them up, though they appeared quite hardy and sturdier than the usual fare. But they were dealt with all the same.

Bridges decided to leave behind his ultimate party pegasus because even though it could fit with some effort, Bridges didn't want to waste a perfectly good Cynvard. Moving beyond the first room, the party discovers a hallway that leads around to what appears to be a well placed pit trap that is easily discovered by Suicidal Stab Man Seleir. The trap seems to be a false floor that collapses away when stood on to reveal a very, very, very deep hole.

They were told to avoid the trap and had an all too convenient carpet of flying to help them cross the gap. Amber Moon, on the other hand, decided to use his catlike abilities to venture down the hole. He makes his way down after taking some kind of crazy teleporting device from Seleir. Upon reaching a far distance down, about 169 skeleton archers animate from the bottom of the pit and immediately begin pelting him with arrows. He managed to catch one with his latent monk abilities and was then promptly pelted with about 100 additional arrows, almost dying, and then retreating back up the hole. Proving once and for all that curiosity really does kill the cat. Or try to, at least.

Once he rejoined the still living, the party proceeded into an adjacent hallway where Seleir steps on a pressure plate and triggers a burst of flame from a wall that didn't seem to do much. After attempting a bit more caution, the party saddled on up towards a nearby door before unlocking it and moving into the next area. Bridges was a bit anxious so he cast See Invisibility from his cool goggles some time before this.

Upon entering the next room, Bridges' See Invisibility Senses began to tingle and saw the ghostly image of some kind of crazy scary looking bitch as well as a bunch more skeletons, this time being much larger and wielding massive weapons. Bridges was able to recognize them as Minotaur Skeletons, something he faced in his very first adventure in Farwater.

He warned the party that there was some crazy shit going down in that room, they all went in anyway, Gisela took up a defensive position in front of Bridges which he was thankful for because fuck that room and all of the bad stuff in there.

The Banshee activated, went aggro, and down several party members went. It was a rough site to see, prompting Bridges to jump into action and run into the room, Dissonant Whispering the banshee into hell where she belongs, and then stepping the fuck back into the hallway because fuck that.

Eventually some of the party was being brought back up from healing and they easily took down the remaining undead. Banshee's are pretty scary looking at first but it turns out they aren't very impressive when you have people punching and stabbing them in the face.

The party was no severely injured thanks to the Banshee, and so Bridges took a quick moment to Cat Nap three a couple of people as well as himself to restore some of their abilities and allow their bodies to heal unnaturally yet naturally fast.

After the ten minutes were up, Bridges and his valiant adventurers head downward into another decrepit lair. Upon arriving, they find three individuals, two of which are familiar to Bridges. Another of which was supposed to be familiar to Bridges but he's pretty sure this guy was making it up because he really doesn't remember him.

Ryll and Bird Brain, now known as Vesh and also now a Dwarf. Two former traveling companions of Bridges. Bridges immediately regretted coming here now that he has to face off against Bird Brain, the ultimate duel master and salt collector of Farwater. Brides immediately exclaimed "KILL THE DWARF", a warning which was immediately disregarded by literally everyone there as everyone took on different targets and for some fucking reason seemed to leave Vesh almost completely alone aside from maybe one attack or two.

So that completely fucked lots of things up and caused a huge magical blackhole in the fight since the fucking fuck could fucking counterspell your fucking shit whenever the fuck they wanted. So fucking THANKS GUYS FOR LETTING THE ONE SPELLCASTER HERE GO COMPLETELY OPPOSED.

The fight raged on. Some other evil Warlock bitch was in the area and managed to lock down Amber Moon and make him regret many life decisions with a simple attack. She was also quite good at giving to Gisela as Gisela was to receiving. Ultimately the Warlock lady was shut down and murdered.

The big bad guy who started the whole thing by stealing Javid's Javidness made his surprise reveal by revealing himself to be some guy. Bridges had no idea who he was though so the effect was kind of wasted. Definitely could have made a bigger impact by being someone Bridges knew, but alas that did not happen.

Seleir started the entire thing by running up to that guy and trying to stab him in the face a bunch. The guy did not like this and dominated Seleir and told him to go kill the other 3 people and leave him alone, which was much kinder than he had any right to be. But still no one heeded the call to Kill The Dwarf and avoided Bird Brain as much as they could to focus on the other two who, only one of which was even a threat.

Over time the fight started to wind down. Bridges got counterspelled once which made him want to turn inside out and explode with the force of a thousand suns, so he got around that the next time by going back up the stairs they came down from and then cast Greater Invisibility on himself so that he couldn't be countered. He then moved into position and said his famous lead up: "You motherfuckers ready to see some shit?" and cast Steel Wind Strike. And then this happened:

Doing so immediately killed and cut the head off of Ryll, and severely impacted the man who had his surprise ruined with how no one remembered him. He hit Bird Brain as well, since he was adamant in killing the dwarf, but alas it was no crit.

Eventually shit started to go a little sideways. Amber Moon was getting pushed in, Seleir went down, Zephran's sickly constitution got the better of him as he went down also. Bridges had a lot left in the tank with his spell slots but unfortunately not in his hit points and so he went down as well in the prime of his greater invisibility.

The big bad guy no one cared about told the party to let him go or he would kill them all. Eventually they decided that was the right call because they didn't want to die and this guy barely had a scratch on him. So he dragged his warlock girlfriend out of there and teleported away.

Bird Brain utilized this opportunity to flee from battle by Dimension Door'ing out of there and escaping. But he didn't get far as Cynvard was left at the beginning of the dungeon, and at some point during the time when shit was getting real, Bridges ordered Cynvard to leave the dungeon and circle overhead. So Cynvard was on cruise control when he spotted the fleeing Bird Brain and moving in for the kill. He passed his stealth check, avoided being paralyzed once, and even landed a pretty good hit on Bird Brain, but was unfortunately slain by the evil now blue dwarf who made his escape and will goddamn surely be around somewhere else mother FUCK.

The party did what the party does and looted the corpse left behind and got some nice magical items. They also retrieved Javid's Javidness since the big bad guy no one remembered didn't want anything to do with it. Bridges picked it up and the party made their way back to the mages who teleported them there. The party then pondered why these lame ass mages let Bird Brain get away because he HAD to have traveled by them on the way out, but there was no time for blame so they just went back to Javid.

Brides took his Javidness and planted it firmly into his hands and so Javid's dad, uh, Javid's Dad decided that it was time to go fix his Boratted son and offered each and every member of the party a favor to pay to them. Simply gold, magical items, or another favor they could think of. Let him know and they will take care of that since they are the most powerful merchant organization in the world.

Bridges asked for a Dern's Instant Fortress and enough Salad Force apparel and heraldry to staff an army since he intends for Salad Force to be something larger than it is right now.

And then they went on their way home. Bridges eventually got around to recasting Cynvard, and they probably lived happily ever after.

My name is Ryan. I like to play video games and Dungeons and Dragons and all kinds of other cool stuff. I also like to write. This is my website, it's nothing special, but I write about topics from time to time that probably make no sense. But if you think they do make sense, then hang around and check out some other articles. My friends call them "blogs" but goddamnit I've got a URL and everything, so they're "articles".

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