D&D West Marches 009 - Danny's & DeVito's

Welcome to the Dannyplane.

Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, there was a dream of vampires and President Wesley Snipes and a nuclear missile launch that destroyed most of a major metropolitan area. And Vinnie. But in the end, it was all just a dream? Or was it?

 Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Firion Mithrin. Warlock probably Illusionist Wizard.
Menus. Firion Mithrin.
Kyri Stride. Druid.
Lady Scarlett. Less cool Lore Bard.

It all started so simply, the party sitting around at a tavern or something and then portals happen. They're not sure where the portals came from or where they go, but they happened so they are going in goddamnit.

The party comes out of the portal into a strange new world. One that seemed so alien and unfamiliar to everyone except Bridges. Turns out his crazy dream of "President Blade" wasn't so crazy after all, since he stands in a world that looks similar to that one. The rest of the party however was quite confused about the circumstances they find themselves in, so they immediately begin to look around for someone to interrogate. They first person they find is a very small, portly gentlemen who is balding all but for the hair around the edges of his head. And they talk to him. And they sorta kinda antagonize him with their stories of being from another PLANE OF EXISTENCE! which made him think they were all crazy.

He promised to show them a map and to follow him, so the party followed him. He lead them to a large hotel and proceeded to show them the map. The interior of the establishment was something they had never really seen before with its large expansive entrance and its electricity and foodcourt. It was a sight to behold. And so they did. They were also beholden to the fact that everyone in this world looked like Danny DeVito for some reason. Including a door greeter that was Pikachu with the head of Danny Devito because what the fuck.

Their friendly neighborhood Danny DeVito showed them a map of the world, and Bridges was able to confirm that yes, Present Blade does exist, though in this world he looks like everyone else. But the existential questioning was cut short when several armed and wigged up Danny's rushed the front door of the hotel and started waving around firearms. So, roll initiative.

Initiative was rolled and the Danny's didn't manage to put up much of a fight, being quite mundane compared to the large and quite in charge party of alt-existence adventurers. They managed to keep one alive and capture him, taking his cash money and also collecting a reward from the front desk for saving their bacon. Thankfully they were forgiving of the large amount of property damage that occurred.

They all went up several floors, Menus had gotten confused and trapped in an elevator and was "saved" by the party when Friendly DeVito showed them to their rooms. Friendly DeVito went to another room where he watched Jessica Jones, starring Female Danny DeVito because even the women were all Danny's. Which is a hell beyond that which Bridges could comprehend.

Bridges was set on identifying this newfangled firearm which was similar yet different than the one he had dreamed off not too long before this. It was a submachine gun that could fire magic missiles of some kind, though it operated slightly different than a traditional magic missile. He also had been made aware of the DeVito gangster's phone. Bridges remembered phones. They were also in his dream, so he had to check it out. He opened the phone and looked through the contacts. Things were still familiar from before, but then, he saw a name that stood out: Vinnie. He knew a Vinnie from his dream, back when he was Tony, the band manager and vampire slaver. Was this a portent? A sign? He had to call to be sure.

Sure enough, Vinnie answered. Bridges said his name was Tony, and Vinnie carried on as if hew knew him all along. Existential questions barraged his mind like all of those flies on Officer Guile's sweetrolls that time he collapsed into a trash heap due to diabetes related illnesses. These two knew each other, across different planes of existence, across different lives, but sure enough, they knew each other. They remembered.

So he talked about the people who attacked the hotel. They were patients of one Al CaGnome, and that he would be at a cool club on 9th and 5th that night. 9th and 5th was another significant note of familiarity for Bridges, as 9th and 5th was the vampire ambush gone bad which resulted in the fiery and also simultaneously watery death of 2 supposedly virgin children and lots of drugs. And also the launching of the nukes against a vampire lord.

So Bridges informed the group. Someone convinced the now awakened Gangster DeVito about something to get him to divulge information, and was then summarily murdered. Also someone apparently flooded a tub which destroyed Friendly DeVito's TV as he watched Jessica Jones.

So the party left the hotel with hopes of going to the club and ambushing this Al CaGnome and getting to the bottom of things. But first, apparently people wanted to use this new money to go shopping for shit. So Bridges thought that this would be the perfect time to acquire copies of Blade for all of his friends back home to see. Unfortunately this version stars Danny DeVito in the role of every character since everyone in this plane looks like Danny DeVito except Cara Delevingne and Rachel Ray.

So Bridges bought 18 copies of Blade on Bluray, a Bluray player, a Toaster apparently, an HDTV, and Night Vision Goggles since fucking no one will sell him a pair of those Goggles of Night. Someone bought a cookbook, the complete Danny's & DeVito's 5th Edition bookset, and some cool sunglasses.

Once their shopping spree was complete, the gang all got back together to head out to the club and meet their contact, Vinnie. Which they did, thanks to Friendly DeVito to cart them all around because really, what else does that guy have to do with his free time? Well anyway, they show up to the club and tell Friendly DeVito to keep the copies of Blade and all of their stuff safe in case this turns real bad.

So they head in, and immediately people start drinking instead of confronting CaGnome, who is sitting in the middle of the club not really doing anything. Bridges calls Vinnie on the sly to see which DeVito answers the phone. He kept a note of which DeVito it was, and moved on in, all on the sly. Everyone had bought "civilian clothes" to blend in to their new surroundings, but Bridges said fuck that and kept on his normal adventuring gear.

People are getting drunk and being affected by alcohol and shit which is not exactly what we are there to do, but we know Al CaGnome likes to "show people the light" by abducting them, so the party acted on the assumption that they were there to save these people. That was almost jeopardized when CaGnome got up and had his lackey's started carrying away several drunk individuals. So, someone hastily jumped into the fray and cast Fireball at them, killing all of the innocent civilians and terrifying everyone in the vicinity, especially the club.

A battle ensued, the second initiative roll of the night, and in the end CaGnome was on his last legs, but managed to get away with a clutch Dimension Door. See, even though magic doesn't appear to be so common in this world, CaGnome was some kind of sorcerer and had access to magical powers. Which was a bit of a surprise.

Bridges was short on Counterspells for some reason and couldn't prevent him from getting away, so the party had to regroup and think. That's when Vinnie and Bridges had a brief reunion, where Vinnie told him where the boss goes and what their plans are, what they even do, and how to find them.

Turns out their base of operations wasn't that far away from the club. So they had to act fast or else CaGnome would have a chance to heal. Bridges devised a plan to sneak in under the cover of invisibility and attack him where CaGnome least expects it. Even though he was going to very obviously expect the assault. But whatever don't question this shit. We're in the plane of Danny DeVito and this is what you question? Jesus.

Anyway. The gang shows up to the back door and they are all ready to sneak in and fuck shit up, which surprisingly goes quite well. They make it through some locked doors by stealthily picking them and moving on. They weave in and out of groups of DeVito's in wigs with submachine guns as they make their way towards CaGnome's office, or, as it turns out, Vault.

They wander over, are noticed by CaGnome and battle breaks out again. Someone stayed behind to deal with the other DeVito's in case something went bad. The battle rages on, CaGnome's still relatively weak though there are signs of potion usage by the empty bottles on the floor, and eventually he is exploded into a thousand little pieces.

The other DeVito's are dispatched and Vinnie goes home to his family. The party finds a series of magical items, including magical cocaine but unfortunately Bridges decided to give them up to someone who clearly probably shouldn't have them but really wanted them. So it's all good in the hood, or so the kids in this plane probably say.

Bridges makes one last call to his friend Vinnie, telling him that if they really did know each other in their past lives, then he'll see him again someday, maybe in their next-next life. And he jumps back into the portal home. And now he has a series of technological marvels that he can't even use because electricity doesn't fucking exist back home. But hey, 15 copies of Blade on Bluray are for sale, so that's pretty cool huh?

My name is Ryan. I like to play video games and Dungeons and Dragons and all kinds of other cool stuff. I also like to write. This is my website, it's nothing special, but I write about topics from time to time that probably make no sense. But if you think they do make sense, then hang around and check out some other articles. My friends call them "blogs" but goddamnit I've got a URL and everything, so they're "articles".

    Post Your Comments


Post a Comment