D&D West Marches 010 - Vampires assault innocent battle woman with weaponized house

The adventure this week starts right off into a battle with a giant house and doesn't slow down until everything is fucking dead. You hear me? Fucking DEAD.

Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Gisela Fade. Eldritch Tank.
Firion Mithrin. Illusionist Wizard.
Adina Liadon. Raven Queen Warlock.
Kelethor. Battlemaster Fighter ?? Warlock.
Vanamo. Nature Cleric.

So last adventure the party went out to go kill some goddamn vampires, which they did, but not without losing one of their own in the process.  Poor innocent shittalker Alexia was stricken by a vampire and killed. Afterwards the party murdered the shit out of the vampire, got some loot, and went home.

But there was a lover of that vampire lady out there and he wanted revenge. Though I'm not sure how the whole vampire lover thing works since they are all dead and can't possibly get the bloodflow to make erections happen, but what do I know.

So he made a spooky posting calling out Adina Liadon, who was the one to apparently finish his lover off(Though she wasn't, it was the nature cleric Vanamo). He wants revenge and is calling her out to go fight him in the forests. Okay. So the party finds themselves together to head out to the forest for their big fight.

So Bridges, having been a part of this earlier adventure, had no real interest in joining this one since fuck vampires but was dragged along anyway. But hey, mo money mo problems.

They arrive to the same forests they were in when they last encountered a massive walking house that somehow contained a decently sized facility within. Except last time it was roughly midnight then and the party was ambushed as they slept. Though, they were safe as they slept in their really cool Tiny Hut's they decided to go out and fight them anyway instead of waiting for the day which lead to a strange night that left one party member dead.

This time however it was a brightly lit day. They didn't have to wait long for something to happen however as they pretty much immediately ran into a couple of vampires with a magical wagon, and also that WALKING HOUSE COMING RIGHT FOR THEM. How the vampires were standing outside in broad daylight was a bit of a mystery at first, but it turns out they were wearing magic and that's good enough.

Roll initiative. Battle begins and people are moving into position. Gisela rushes towards danger because what are the chances that this house is going to punch her in the fucking face? Spoiler alert, pretty high. But before the house was able to move, the vampires move forward with a fascinating wagon. Unfortunately, the wagon didn't get to do much because it was pretty much immediately banished.

The vampires however, did, and they tried to wrestle Gisela and Vanamo to the ground, both succeeding and failing spectacularly in both regards, as Vanamo wasn't able to resist their attempts and Gisela was practically dancing around the pitiful grapple attempts.

While the vampires were having just as much of a pathetic time attacking Gisela as everything else, the house seized its opportunity to attack. Inside of this VERY LARGE ESTABLISHMENT ON LEGS was a vampire man who kept shit-talking Adina for some reason. So the house moves and somehow punches the ever loving shit out of Gisela because the only thing more intimidating than a house is one prone to domestic violence.

Bridges seizes the opportunity since seize has entered the lexicon, and casts Dissonant Whispers, managing to roll max damage. The creature fails it save and runs away, which proc's opportunity attacks for daaaaaays which does some to help the situation. Realizing that this is his chance, Firion moves into position to do something or other, but in just a few short turns the house is back and moves into Firion's shit and punches him near to death as well.

The rest of the battle went pretty smoothly, the house doing a decent number of damage and the rest of the spellcasters hanging back and pelting the vampires and the house with what they could, and before long the house was on its last, and also only legs, and collapsed. The party took this opportunity to prepare for the return of the wagon which had been banished not too long ago, only to find out that it's actually a shield guardian.

While the party was determining what to do, they actually received a surprising reinforcement with Kelethor showing up out of nowhere to help out. Bridges had spent the last few minutes attempting to identify the shield guardian when arrows begin flying out from the forest around him. So the party determined it was probably a good idea to run into the house they had just defeated and see what this angry vampire man has up his ass.

The house was similar to as it was before, except pretty much all of the walls were torn down and there was a lot of damage to just about everything. Inside stood a brooding brooderson vampire paladin who gave no fucks, which I'm not sure he could anyway due to the bloodflow issue, but we'll talk about that later.

The vampaladin had a posse of pussy which was about to get fucked because Gisela jumped all up in their shit and while she might not have been able to reflect their image she sure as fuck could reflect her fist up their asses. Which she did. Over and over again.

Meanwhile the rest of the party mostly dealt with the man of the hour. Bridges used Heat Metal just like he did when he was here last time on the last hulking vampire guy, which was a severe blow to keep the man from critting several times. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to reduce quite a lot of the hits to misses, but it absolutely neutralized a few scary crits.

The Paladinpire used every fucking advantage he had to lay the hurt on Adina, smiting and hitting and not giving up even when quite literally surrounded by ostensibly larger threats. He had a mission and was lazor focused on seeing it through, which he did all but temporarily, as he reduced Adina to death. Like actual death, none of that going unconscious bullshit. Turns out these vampires are bad at a lot of things except killing somewhat defenseless women, which is probably a symptom of their nonfunctioning penises.

Adina had been killed, and everyone (except vampire-but-not-hit magnet Gisela) was laying it on thick to the vampire man. Bridges shot a Lightning Bolt directly at his face from 5ft away which actually did quite a bit of damage, but it still wasn't enough to put him down, though he was barely hanging on. Eventually the final blow came, the vampire turned to mist, and the battle was mostly over. Adina lay on the ground dead, but not for long as Vanamo used her healing magic to revivify her and bring her back.

Gisela had essentially been a giant net that was cast over all of the mobs, pulling them in to her shiny reflective armor that couldn't be penetrated. The rest were summarily dealt with, except for one vampire who surrendered. Bridges decided to be cheeky and lightning bolt him anyway which didn't kill the vampire but certainly hurt him. His name was Steve and Kelethor was interested in recruiting him for the Farwater Sherrif's Office that he was apparently the head of, and of course the poor farmer vampire didn't like being what he now was, and pined for the olden days of working 20 hour days and dying of easily treatable illnesses, so he accepted the offer.

Bridges fucked off somewhere and found a map which led to a secret hideaway that contained some magical loot and information on the rest of the vampire's that linger around. He brought it back to the rest of the party and showed it to them, which prompted Steve to explain he knew where it was and could lead us there. After some insighting Bridges determined that Steve seemed honest, so sure why not.

Attention was suddenly cast upon the floating mist of the hulking vampire man who continued to linger around. It was broad daylight outside and so going out would certainly destroy him, yet he couldn't stay here as he needed to return to his coffin, or however the fuck that works. So his destruction was a guarantee. Adina decided to make that happen a little faster and shocked the shit out of it until the mist faded, vampire destroyed.

With their objective complete, and the walking house destroyed hopefully for good, the party ventured outside and retrieved some of those magical robes for Vampire Steve so he could walk around in daylight and show the party to the hideaway and plunder it heartily. Afterwards, they all went back home, taking their cool magical wagon that no one actually really wanted which was a same, but someone took it anyway.

The party set out to return to their homes as the journey comes to a close.

My name is Ryan. I like to play video games and Dungeons and Dragons and all kinds of other cool stuff. I also like to write. This is my website, it's nothing special, but I write about topics from time to time that probably make no sense. But if you think they do make sense, then hang around and check out some other articles. My friends call them "blogs" but goddamnit I've got a URL and everything, so they're "articles".

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