Or "D&D New Jersey", take your pick. Regardless it wasn't fucking nice and we'll hopefully never go back. Also, can YOU spot this week's easter egg?
Bridges Rhinestone Jr. Lore Bard.
Amber Moon. Drunko Munko.
Firion Mithrin. Literally a fucking corpse you have no idea.
Virro. Life Cleric.
Gal. Also Life Cleric.
Akra. Barbarian/Fighter.
Our adventure begins the same way it always fucking does, with people standing around and doing fuck all before some magical shit starts to happen and suddenly we're whisked away to a world of magical... whatever this was.
But before the magical whisking away some guy shows up and starts talking about being invited to a planar arena fight. Everyone in the party were all like "yo that sounds crazy" but then the guy mentioned that we could win prizes and, best of all, they were completely unable to die. So they were free to fight as hard as they liked and had no actual risk of death. Although there were some ground rules.
Such as: You are not allowed to run away. In fact, moving away from a creature in any capacity will cause an actual fucking orbital cannon to fire down upon you and annihilate everything you stand for. Although you'll not actually be killed, it will remove you from the fight. And also, somewhat importantly, fight to the death. Since you can't die, you are required to finish off any target you take down before proceeding.
The gang got together and discussed some thing and ultimately decided, hey, this guy could be lying to us and we could be easily killed with out stupidity... but also, money. So let's do it. And so they did it.
They were then magically whisked away to the most fucked up plane of total indifference anyone has ever seen, especially Bridges. It is as if the gods themselves were like "Yeah we'll get around to making this place less shitty ehhhhhhhhhh nevermind".
So immediately upon entering an inn which would be housing them for their tournament, they immediately noticed some poor enslaved person being bullied by two goliaths. But instead of doing anything or possibly risking being thrown into planar prison, they just sort of antagonized the two brutes by convincing them the person was actually a rabbit. Because fuck it why wouldn't you.
Ultimately that went nowhere and the two brutes left to undoubtedly beat a poor innocent man to a death he will never experience on this plane. But anyway the rest of the party went to go about actually renting their rooms and was immediately aware of the fact that their guide is a cheapskate and forgot to hand over any money for the rooms they'll be sleeping in. But the innkeeper got that sorted out and it was only downhill from there.
They were given a choice of rooms by different type of key. Blue key, red key, black key. Blue key gave you some cool magical shit, red key did something that Bridges didn't get to experience, and the black room was determined to be a fucking death trap in some way so Amber Moon accepted that room and then slept in the hallway. Wise.
So they wake up in the morning and are told they have to fight a group of spellcasters or whatever. They were taken to a very large area and spread out amongst their friends, interceded by another team they would have to fight. Bridges was having a bit of a mental meltdown because they were told explicitly not to move away from a creature, but by the sheer simple mathematical and logical series of deduction, by having more than one creature, spread out far away from each other, by moving in any direction you are moving closer to one, yes, but further away from the others. And so he was getting fucking crunked thinking about potentially being murdered.
But it turned out to not be a big deal. The first fight was easy anyway, with each of these widdle babby spellcaster people turning out to be a total pushover, except one who got fucking schwifty by turning invisible and playing on our inability to find him to get us to move away from him, thus triggering the orbital cannon. Although the party was pretty fucking sure he was cheating because he explicitly moved away from someone at least once. But it was clear from this point on that the rules seemed a lot looser than the party had imagined.
First fight clear. They had defeated the pushovers with a few close calls from the orbital cannon because of that cheating wizard bastard getting them all confused. They were to turn in for the night, but tomorrow they would have two fights: One against a group of creatures, and one against the man who brought them there. But Bridges doesn't remember his name because fuck that guy.
So as they turn in they were offered even more rooms, the standard far or blue, red, or this time green. Bridges does not appreciate the color green, but the blue room was pretty awesome so the green room must be as well. So they celebrated their victories and headed off to bed. And then everything started to fucking suck even more.
While Bridges was sleeping apparently this fucking room has a fun little feature in it. See, most rooms would go for a water bed, maybe one of those bathroom stalls with the hole in the wall so you can keep your weapon at the ready, or a cool chair or something. But not here. Not this fucking plane. Nope. While Bridges was sleeping he was dosed with poison. Him and his Pegasus, Cynvard The Ultimate Party Pegasus, were dosed with poison as soon as the shit-sun rose on this plane.
Bridges was, expectedly, not happy. And so he gave this stoner asshole warrior bitch a piece of his mind about what the hell is going on here. Surprisingly, he was told that these kinds of rooms are often requested because of the challenges that they present for the battles. Which Bridges thought was fucking stupid so fuck that.
Anyway they had another battle today, but not just one. Their first engagement would be against a group of monsters, followed up by the dickhead. Virro kindly healed Bridges for the damage he had taken, and then they went into battle.
It was a group of giant fucking things Bridges had never seen before, but he was ready. Initiative was rolled, battle had commenced and Bridges was immediately rushed down by one of the larger foes. In his defense, he cast Hypnotic Pattern and completely locked down one of them for the entire duration of that fight. While the others heroically fought with every ounce of their strength, Bridges just sorta hung out on his Pegasus because he 1: Can't move away from this creature to help them, and 2: Doesn't have a lot to offer while concentrating on his spell.
So he had to kinda twiddle his thumbs a bit and wait for the others to be done with their thing. Someone Bridges had never met before, an individual named Akra, turned out to be quite a bloodthirsty beast and fucked the ever loving shit out of several of the creatures, almost completely unable to "calm the fuck down" while in battle. Which was nice.
Once the others were done with their conquests they casually strode up on whatever creature Bridges had locked down and systematically destroyed it. From then on, there were able to proceed with the second round of combat which would be against a single individual, and that of the one who brought them there and tried to be a cheater but he made one mistake: He fucking told the party how he was going to do it. And Bridges had the ability to cast See Invisibility, so his plan was null and void for at least one person.
The party had prepared themselves, Bridges had his See Invisibility on, and Firion was still dead. Roll Initiative once more. Immediately the plan was obvious: Be a cheater cheater chicken eater, but with the tight coordination of the party, they were able to move in and attempt to show him - HOLY SHIT HE HAS A RAILGUN.
This guy was able to charge his fucking railgun and prepare to fire it on them all, but Amber Moon moved in and saved the day by stunning him with his furry fists of fury. They were safe just long enough to beat him with their combined might, but the railgun still ended up going off prematurely, which is something that happens to all railguns, and ended up shooting someone with the force of a thousand suns.
Ultimately the fight had ended without a sizable amount of damage. They had taken him down and now it was time to rest up for the last fight tomorrow which is supposed to be super hard but whatever they've killed hotter shit. Moving on.
They picked rooms that weren't entirely deadly or detrimental and got some rest. Some actual rest. No fucking poison to the face shit. Like they actually went to sleep and had sweet dreams and fucking woke up the next day. Fuck.
They all gathered amongst themselves in the arena this time supposedly in for less of a challenge than the guy from yesterday, though he was a bit of a pushover aside from his actual railgun. She was some kind of spellcaster. Druid? Sorcerer? Bridges couldn't remember. It all starts to run together. But this was to be the final fight for the party and they'd be able to collect their loot and go the fuck home.
So they chose their starting locations. Bridges once again turned on his See Invisibility which only works once a day. Amber Moon was ready to continue stunning. Firion was still dead. Some individuals had actually headed home after the second day, so now the group was actually a little smaller.
Initiative Rolled for the final night. For the final fight. And pretty much the expected happens. A single spellcaster against a whole hoard of people who don't very much care what they think. A constant barrage of beat down after beat down, a trading of veritable blows as Amber Moon stuns and slashes with his claws. Firion, managing to trick the lady into thinking he was a corpse, (jokes on her he actually is a corpse) blasted her with magical spells and Bridges also did cool shit too.
It wasn't so much of a stressful fight, it was more or less a slog to take them down before the party was taken down, and not too much interesting happened. Bridges couldn't stop thinking about two things: 1: This place sucks. 2: Bridges wants a railgun.
Before long the fight was over, and the lady fell down. Defeated by the bravery and heroism of Bridges Rhinestone Jr and that Bigby's Hand he summoned only to be immediately killed. After the fight they went for their rewards and discovered that this place actually has a fucked up kind of currency that is somewhat equal to platinum but is all weird and shit and is probably not actually accepted anywhere else. Alternatively the group was told that if they wanted rooms that didn't suck literal dick to ask for the gold rooms, since those were good and not bad. Bridges inquired why in the fucking fuck they didn't volunteer this information beforehand, but everyone there sucked so much he wasn't worried about it.
Bridges did offer to help their PR department by actually doing some advertising for the plane and fixing everything that fucking sucks about it to attract more than just masochist asshole underachieving stoners, but it was clear the guy was far too high to understand anything he was saying. So, cool.
They took their money, went home, and wrote the most passive aggresive Air BNB review they will ever write.
"Be warned, all ye who enter here, the Elemental Plane of Indifference sucks super dick".
0 comments:
Post a Comment